The Parts of You You’re Still Hiding

At the core of being human is the desire for connection. We want to be seen, known, and accepted for who we really are. And yet, so many of us spend our lives hiding the very parts of ourselves we most want someone else to love.

Why?

Because rejection hurts. But being rejected after showing someone who we truly are can feel unbearable.

So we learn to edit ourselves. We soften certain parts, suppress others, and slowly become whatever version of ourselves we believe will be easiest for the world to accept.

My twelve year old son reminded me of this recently.

He has one friend he spends almost all of his time with. They met at summer camp and do not even attend the same school. We recently asked him why he does not spend more time with the kids at his new school, and his answer broke my heart.

“I spend most of my time with him because I can be myself fully with him, Daddy. I think I’m too much for the kids in my class.”

I was incredibly proud that he could articulate something so deeply at twelve years old. I certainly could not have at his age.

But I also understood exactly what he meant.

At some point, he showed people a piece of himself and it was not received the way he hoped. That hurt. So, like all of us, he began to protect himself. He pulled back. He showed less. He became a little more careful.

That is what we do.

We experience rejection, embarrassment, or shame, and then quietly decide that next time we will reveal less of ourselves.

The problem is that hiding in plain sight eventually becomes more painful than the rejection we were trying to avoid in the first place.

And we all do this somewhere.

Maybe at work. Maybe with friends. Maybe with family. And very often, we do it most in the place where we most desperately want to be known.

Our relationship.

I watched this happen with Anniston.

On our first date, she told me one of her desires was to become a published author and impact women around the world. She later wrote two entire books. Beautiful books. Powerful books. And yet they sat unpublished on her computer.

Even after I bought her a full service self publishing package, she still could not bring herself to release them.

At the time, I thought it was about publishing.

It wasn’t.

She was hiding.

And she did it in our marriage too.

Early in our relationship, during a very vulnerable conversation, she shared a sexual fantasy with me. I remember being in awe of her honesty. If anything, it made me feel closer to her.

A few days later, I mentioned it again and she denied ever saying it.

I was completely confused because I had been there. I had heard her say it.

Years later, when she finally felt safe enough to bring it up again from a place of confidence and ownership, she explained why.

In a previous relationship, she had shared the same desire and had been shamed for it. That experience stayed with her, and somewhere inside she made a quiet promise that she would never allow herself to feel that kind of rejection again.

So she locked that part of herself away.

This is not really a story about sexual fantasies.

It is about what happens when we learn that honesty has a cost.

We segment ourselves. We hide parts. We pretend. We become who we believe other people are willing to accept, and then we wonder why we do not feel fully seen.

The advice I gave my son was simple.

Fly your flag.

Be fully you.

Do not diminish your light just because someone else may not understand it.

I told him that some people may reject him. Some may find him too loud, too energetic, too passionate, too much. And that is okay. Those people are simply not his people.

Because the only way our people can truly find us is if we allow ourselves to be seen.

He is working on it, and I am incredibly proud of him.

But that advice is not just for a twelve year old.

It is for me.

It is for Anniston.

And maybe it is for you too.

How much of yourself does your partner actually know?

What desire have you never shared? What truth have you softened? What conversation do you keep postponing because part of you is afraid of how it might be received?

This is exactly why Anniston and I created NAKED.

Not physically naked.

Emotionally. Spiritually. Relationally.

It is a four week series of meaningful conversations designed to help you become more honest with yourself first, and then more fully seen by the person you love.

If you are single, this work matters before the relationship arrives. If you are newly dating, it can change the foundation you build from. And if you have been married for decades, there is still another layer of each other waiting to be discovered.

There is always another level of intimacy.

And I love the meaning hidden inside that word:

Into me, you see.

Anniston and I would love to invite you into your next level of being seen, known, and accepted.

NAKED begins October 6.

It is $197 for you and your partner, and space is intentionally limited.

If something inside you recognized itself while reading this, follow that.

Click Here to learn more.